i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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