Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
