I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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