So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
