I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
