1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
