Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
