I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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