you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
