you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize