its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
