my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
