I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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