I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
