someone owes me an orgasm
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
