dude i'm inner monologue high
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
