I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got her a Nickelback box set.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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