Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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