plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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