After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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