remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
