im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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