Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
