for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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