....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize