I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
