How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
