mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
