Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
