remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
