Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
