Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
