In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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