I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
