so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
