Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
