I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
