We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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