1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
