for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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