I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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