Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
