I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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