funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I want a musical about memes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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