He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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