I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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