I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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