I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
