I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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