I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize