please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
