I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
