I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize