Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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