she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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