Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize