I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Couch. On fire.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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