I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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