I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
