At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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