You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
