i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
