I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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