dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How external is "for external use only"?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
