decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
